Annual Re-hash Roundup

Well, it's that time of year again (that wonderfully nebulous time from March to May, I suppose). I'm off on another whirlwind adventure through the peaks and valleys of the remakes in store for theaters this summer (and extending all the way to October!). For those of you unfamilliar with the concept: I go through IMDb's list of movies to be released this year and find remakes, sequals, and ports of other genres of entertainment (video games, comics, etc.) and I offer opinions and biting commentary. Let's get to the movies, shall we?

Poseidon

The fact that most of the disaster movies in the 70s and into the 80s were remakes of The Poseidon Adventure to at least a small degree not withstanding, why do this? From what I've seen in the trailers and on various promotions, the movie looks about as exciting as a Denver omlette.

M:I:III

Is there any way to make this movie self-destruct in 5 seconds? That this is the #1 movie in theaters right now (as far box office) just goes to show what kind of terrible state movies in general are in right now. I've also heard that the promotions for the movie have grossly overstated Phillip Seymour Hoffman's role in an attempt to cash in on Copote. I just hope that it bombs enough that they won't make another one.

The Omen

This is some kind of joke, right? How have I heard nothing about this movie until my exhaustive search of IMDb? It's coming out June 6th, so I can only imagine that the promotion of the movie is being ignored. Julia Stiles will be Mrs. Thorn, with Mia Farrow thrown into the mix for good measure. I'm nervous about how this movie will be done (and I wonder if I can trick Amanda into seeing it with me). The Omen is one of my favorite horror movies, and I just can't help but be worried about them destroying it.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

It seems that someone let my friend Methshine Man out of his community service for allowing last year's crop of re-hash badness to bear fruit. (Lil') Bow Wow is the only...ahem..."actor" in this debacle that I've ever heard of before, so at least they're allowing fresh faces to fuck this one up. The first one was a tour-de-force in mediocrity. The second was a long step down. This would seem to be the drunken stumble that will hopefully break the neck of this franchise. Then the fans of the series can get back to playing Need for Speed: Underground

Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties

Another Garfield movie? And they have to send him to Europe to get any kind of plot going. Think King Ralph with a CG cat. Didn't Bill Murray used to do good movies?

Superman Returns

Instead of merrily ignoring the intervening years between the last Superman movie and this one, they're making up some contrivance about the Man of Steel venturing to the ruins of Krypton. Um, wouldn't that, I don't know, KILL HIM?!? Unneccessary plot elements aside, Kevin Spacey is taking over as Lex Luthor, which is inspired casting if ever there was such a thing. And hey, Marlon Brando as Jor-El! No, I'm not joking. If only. It's really too bad they couldn't fit The Death and Life... into a feature length film, because that would be wonderful. I'm going to give this a tenative "maybe," and see how things work from there.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

At least this is a sequal to something recent. I'm moderatly curious to see if they can keep the feel of the last movie going for this one. It features Davy Jones (you know, the guy with the locker) and the Flying Dutchman, so don't expect to have escaped from the zany undead. I will probably end up seeing this.

Strangers with Candy

Holy Hell. Why? The show was okay, but I just do not see this as movie material. Then again, there comes a point when everything that was remotely popular becomes a movie (fear the Friends movie, FEAR IT!), so I suppose it's better to do it now than to wait until the cast is in their 70s. Meh, I'll be avoiding it until it hits the Vid4 at least.

Miami Vice

Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. There's a dream team forged in the everburning fires of the cold abyss. I've seen a few pictures of Colin Farrell in his MV get up, and it looks like someone dipped his hair in a fryer at Long John Silver's. Methshine Man is all over this tragedy, or will be when he's done with the light bulb I saw him steal at Home Depo.

Clerks II

Didn't Kevin Smith once say that he was done with Jay and Silent Bob movies? I guess Jersey Girl showed him the light. Dipping back into the View Askewniverse, this will put Randal and Dante (way to stick with your original vision, Kev!) to work at Mooby's. Still, I'm a sucker for the stuff I liked earlier (I did go see Episode I upwards of 5 times), and nothing gives me nostalgia like making fun of working at McDonald's.

DOA: Dead or Alive

I'm certain that most of you are familiar with the DOA games in at least a loose sense, but for those who aren't, here's a summary: DHUR, BOOBIES BOUNCE, DHA HA HRK! I can only assume that this movie is going to be a flesh-filled action flick worthy of USA's Up All Night. A definate skip.

How to Eat Fried Worms

I usually avoid movies based on books, but the moment I saw this one I was staggered. The pre-teen reading I did (that didn't consist of Bram Stoker, Jack London, or Mary Shelley) was filled with kiddyfied classics and things like How to Eat Fried Worms. I doubt I'll see it, but it's good to know that there are other people who remember it.

Jackass: Number Two

Picture Johnny Knoxville sitting at home on his couch. He's thinking (stretch your imagination for a moment), "Gosh, my last few movies have been pretty bad. People only see me as Jackass. What should I do about this?" And of course the answer is: make another Jackass movie. I'm thinking Methshine Man and Mr. Knoxville might be really close friends.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Didn't they just do this a couple of years ago? What's the point? It seems that they have the same guy from the last remake playing Leatherface again. Again, I plan to skip this one.

The Grudge 2

I wonder if the Japanese think it's funny that, in some ways, they now dominate American culture. And to get properly convoluted, this is a remake of a sequal, as well as a sequal of a remake. I did like The Grudge, and I'd like to see Ju-on, so I might end up seeing this. For those that care (Amanda), SMG's role in this one is reportedly very small.

Saw III

So, next year, does this just become a made for TV special? How many years in a row can they make these movies? As with the first two, I'll probably end up missing this one.

I know, two ranttastic posts in one day! I just couldn't help myself. If you're confused about the Methshine thing, read the post from last year, linked at the top of this article and, what the hell, right here. Let me know in the comments what you think of this year's re-hash crop, or if there are any movies I missed in the roundup.