Annual Re-hash Roundup

Well, it's that time of year again (that wonderfully nebulous time from March to May, I suppose). I'm off on another whirlwind adventure through the peaks and valleys of the remakes in store for theaters this summer (and extending all the way to October!). For those of you unfamilliar with the concept: I go through IMDb's list of movies to be released this year and find remakes, sequals, and ports of other genres of entertainment (video games, comics, etc.) and I offer opinions and biting commentary. Let's get to the movies, shall we?

Poseidon

The fact that most of the disaster movies in the 70s and into the 80s were remakes of The Poseidon Adventure to at least a small degree not withstanding, why do this? From what I've seen in the trailers and on various promotions, the movie looks about as exciting as a Denver omlette.

M:I:III

Is there any way to make this movie self-destruct in 5 seconds? That this is the #1 movie in theaters right now (as far box office) just goes to show what kind of terrible state movies in general are in right now. I've also heard that the promotions for the movie have grossly overstated Phillip Seymour Hoffman's role in an attempt to cash in on Copote. I just hope that it bombs enough that they won't make another one.

The Omen

This is some kind of joke, right? How have I heard nothing about this movie until my exhaustive search of IMDb? It's coming out June 6th, so I can only imagine that the promotion of the movie is being ignored. Julia Stiles will be Mrs. Thorn, with Mia Farrow thrown into the mix for good measure. I'm nervous about how this movie will be done (and I wonder if I can trick Amanda into seeing it with me). The Omen is one of my favorite horror movies, and I just can't help but be worried about them destroying it.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

It seems that someone let my friend Methshine Man out of his community service for allowing last year's crop of re-hash badness to bear fruit. (Lil') Bow Wow is the only...ahem..."actor" in this debacle that I've ever heard of before, so at least they're allowing fresh faces to fuck this one up. The first one was a tour-de-force in mediocrity. The second was a long step down. This would seem to be the drunken stumble that will hopefully break the neck of this franchise. Then the fans of the series can get back to playing Need for Speed: Underground

Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties

Another Garfield movie? And they have to send him to Europe to get any kind of plot going. Think King Ralph with a CG cat. Didn't Bill Murray used to do good movies?

Superman Returns

Instead of merrily ignoring the intervening years between the last Superman movie and this one, they're making up some contrivance about the Man of Steel venturing to the ruins of Krypton. Um, wouldn't that, I don't know, KILL HIM?!? Unneccessary plot elements aside, Kevin Spacey is taking over as Lex Luthor, which is inspired casting if ever there was such a thing. And hey, Marlon Brando as Jor-El! No, I'm not joking. If only. It's really too bad they couldn't fit The Death and Life... into a feature length film, because that would be wonderful. I'm going to give this a tenative "maybe," and see how things work from there.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

At least this is a sequal to something recent. I'm moderatly curious to see if they can keep the feel of the last movie going for this one. It features Davy Jones (you know, the guy with the locker) and the Flying Dutchman, so don't expect to have escaped from the zany undead. I will probably end up seeing this.

Strangers with Candy

Holy Hell. Why? The show was okay, but I just do not see this as movie material. Then again, there comes a point when everything that was remotely popular becomes a movie (fear the Friends movie, FEAR IT!), so I suppose it's better to do it now than to wait until the cast is in their 70s. Meh, I'll be avoiding it until it hits the Vid4 at least.

Miami Vice

Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. There's a dream team forged in the everburning fires of the cold abyss. I've seen a few pictures of Colin Farrell in his MV get up, and it looks like someone dipped his hair in a fryer at Long John Silver's. Methshine Man is all over this tragedy, or will be when he's done with the light bulb I saw him steal at Home Depo.

Clerks II

Didn't Kevin Smith once say that he was done with Jay and Silent Bob movies? I guess Jersey Girl showed him the light. Dipping back into the View Askewniverse, this will put Randal and Dante (way to stick with your original vision, Kev!) to work at Mooby's. Still, I'm a sucker for the stuff I liked earlier (I did go see Episode I upwards of 5 times), and nothing gives me nostalgia like making fun of working at McDonald's.

DOA: Dead or Alive

I'm certain that most of you are familiar with the DOA games in at least a loose sense, but for those who aren't, here's a summary: DHUR, BOOBIES BOUNCE, DHA HA HRK! I can only assume that this movie is going to be a flesh-filled action flick worthy of USA's Up All Night. A definate skip.

How to Eat Fried Worms

I usually avoid movies based on books, but the moment I saw this one I was staggered. The pre-teen reading I did (that didn't consist of Bram Stoker, Jack London, or Mary Shelley) was filled with kiddyfied classics and things like How to Eat Fried Worms. I doubt I'll see it, but it's good to know that there are other people who remember it.

Jackass: Number Two

Picture Johnny Knoxville sitting at home on his couch. He's thinking (stretch your imagination for a moment), "Gosh, my last few movies have been pretty bad. People only see me as Jackass. What should I do about this?" And of course the answer is: make another Jackass movie. I'm thinking Methshine Man and Mr. Knoxville might be really close friends.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Didn't they just do this a couple of years ago? What's the point? It seems that they have the same guy from the last remake playing Leatherface again. Again, I plan to skip this one.

The Grudge 2

I wonder if the Japanese think it's funny that, in some ways, they now dominate American culture. And to get properly convoluted, this is a remake of a sequal, as well as a sequal of a remake. I did like The Grudge, and I'd like to see Ju-on, so I might end up seeing this. For those that care (Amanda), SMG's role in this one is reportedly very small.

Saw III

So, next year, does this just become a made for TV special? How many years in a row can they make these movies? As with the first two, I'll probably end up missing this one.

I know, two ranttastic posts in one day! I just couldn't help myself. If you're confused about the Methshine thing, read the post from last year, linked at the top of this article and, what the hell, right here. Let me know in the comments what you think of this year's re-hash crop, or if there are any movies I missed in the roundup.

X3

I appologize in advance for what will most likely turn into another long-winded rant.

I can understand a little bit of fan service. There's generally nothing wrong with it. But when I review the (probably incomplete) list of characters in this movie, I have to wonder if they're taking things a bit too far. They've already got the movies stretched so thin trying to tell the stories of so many different characters that they're going to branch off two spin-offs.

The List

Beast: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs aside, I'm kind of glad they're putting Beast into this one. On top of being one of the original X-Men, he was always one of my favorite characters. Verdict: Check ++

Angel: Another original, I'm not sure that there's enough movie to properly develop the character. I also get the sneaking suspicion that they're going to move briskly towards him losing his wings. Verdict: Not enough time

Shadowcat: Don't get me wrong. I like Kitty Pryde in the comics. But come on. Don't start dropping in (relatively) minor characters until you've at least given all of your major characters THEIR GOD DAMN POWERS! Sorry, but Rogue is a pansy in the movies. Verdict: No

Dr. Moira MacTaggart: ?? Are you fucking kidding me? There's no way they do this right, and they have to know that, don't they? So why put her in? This is an extreme stretch. Verdict: Develop your main characters

Colossus: I know, he's not technically a new character since he was in the last movie. I'm hoping that he's at least Russian in this one. After that crap, I just don't have any faith in the franchise's ability to handle this character. Verdict: Not good enough, F--

Juggernaut: Okay, some villans just don't need that much introduction. I'm all for putting Juggernaut in the movie. But does he have to get his ass kicked by Shadowcat? Verdict: Check

Callisto and Leech: So, on top of all the other characters that are being introduced, they're going to drop the Morlocks in? Is this their attempt to get Halle Berry more screen time? I don't forsee this going well at all. Verdict: How much did they spend on a sewer set? Wasted money

Multiple Man: Do I even need to say anything? Verdict: Um, no

Siryn: Another technically returning character. If all she does is wake up and scream again...well, that might be for the best. Verdict: Only in cameo

Psylocke: You have no idea how much I want to see Psylocke in this movie. You also have no idea how certain I am that they're going to screw it up. I assume that this will be another quick walk on spot. Verdict: As long as they don't fuck it up

Omega Red: How are they going to fit him in? I was strongly opposed to the way "Lady Deathstrike" was done in the last movie. Yeah, it looked cool, but that wasn't a character, it was a fighting simulation. I seriously doubt that Omega Red will be anything different, and it saddens me. I suppose they have to toss in the requisite "Wolverine's arch nemesis bad guy" into every movie. Verdict: Didn't they imply that Sabretooth lived through the fall off the Statue of Liberty?

Jubilee: Probably another cameo apperance. Another character that I'd really like to see, but only if it's done right. Verdict: Sigh

Add onto all that the fact that they're going to flasback to Jean Grey's and Warren Worthington's childhood, they've got the Phoenix thing to wrap up, and they've got a plotline about a "cure" for mutations and you've got a recipe for terrible. I want this movie to be good, but from the outside it just looks like they've given themselves too much to do in the 103 minutes they've stated they're going to do it.

Out with the old...

Despite the fact that everyone is talking about E3 and it's a boring subject for most by this point, I feel the need to through my considerably dusty hat into this ring. It's been a fun week of becoming reaquainted with the video game industry. I sat and thought about it all yesterday, and I realized that I haven't paid attention since Amanda and I got our PS2. Even my computer was bought mostly to run NWN and KOTOR, years after they were released. And while I have aquired some new games (EAW and Oblivion being just about the only two in the last year or so), I haven't really had much contact with the cutting edge, as it were. Now that I have some up to date info on the latest round of the console war, here goes my personal round up:

1. An Imperfect Circle

The XBox franchise has always struck me as a non-gamer's gaming system. I don't know where the impression comes from, but it's stuck in my head. The only 360 game I've seen up close is Call of Duty, or maybe it was Medal of Honor, or Generic WWII Shooter #897. The fact is, the 360 looks shinier, but I have yet to see or hear about anything new that the console is doing. Yes, it's big and mean and it can probably HD me right out of my chair, but how a game looks can only hold my attention for 3-10 minutes tops. There are exactly three games on the 360 that I have heard of that I want to play at some point: Halo 3, Gears of War, and Ninty Nine Nights. For a console that's been out for a year already to have released zero games I'm willing to even rent? Terrible. I can always hope that someone I know picks one up when the price drops this fall so I can mooch.

2. The Charm

Oh, Sony. Did you honestly believe that you were invincible atop the throne of consoledom? Don't get me wrong, the PS3 looks fantastic. And a healthy majority of the games I'm looking at playing will be out on the system. But $600 for the full system? Ouch. I realize that a large portion of the cost is the Blu-Ray drive. I also realize that I have no interest in Blu-Ray now, or for the forseeable future. Sony's trying really hard to push their proprietary shit over HD-DVD, and it comes of like a sleazy used car salesman trying to sell me a Pinto that's had a TV installed in the dash. From a certain perspective, the decision to put Blu-Ray into the PS3 makes sense: you get people who want the next PlayStation to buy into your new (unrelated) technology, you can push the medium to the top faster than normal. But if you lose sales of the PS3 because of the price of the system, you're losing the battle on two fronts. Sony, you've attacked Russia, and you'll probably pay. I will still be able to get FF12 for the PS2, so the 3 lags further and further behind in my book. It is a shiny ass console, though.

3. AndthenIsawthiskidgetrunoverbyabusandIsaid...

I'll admit, I used to be a hardcore Nintendo fanboy. Back when the only thing resembling competition was Sega, it seemed that Nintendo would always be on top (I mean, the 3DO? Come on). But then the N64 let me down, and none too gently. The system was just not as good as the PlayStation, but damn it all, I would perservere. Then Square jumped ship and swam over to Sony. Okay, this looks bad, but at least the rest of my favorite game franchises will be there. Wow, Mario 64 is not that great. Okay, Zelda? Whew, at least Ocarina is a damn good game. Ah, Castlevania! Wait, what? This is the Castlevania game for the 64? And NO Metroid? Why have you forsaken me, Nintendo? What have I done to deserve such damnation? *ahem* Sorry about that. Needless to say, I lost my way. When the next gen came around, I was not going to be burned again. And what's this? The PS2 will be backwards compatible? I can play all the PS1 games I missed by getting a 64? You are dead to me, Nintendo! Dead! *ahem* Sorry again. The Gamecube failed to even register with me. So now the next generation is coming, and what do I see? A Wii? WTF? It looks like a baby toy next to the 360 and PS3. And what's with this goofy remote? Wait, I can do what with this? All my old NES, SNES, and 64 games? The good ones? The terrible ones? And there are actual games I'm looking forward to. Smash Bros. Brawl looks awesome (Solid Fucking Snake?). Metroid Prime 3 looks awesome, and I can't wait to try the wand at an FPS. Zelda: Twilight Princess looks good, even if it's being designed mostly for the GC. Amanda is extra excited about the game where you can conduct an orchestra with the wand. Even the tennis game looks cool. And with experts guessing the price at around $250, the Wii is looking damn hard to beat.

Well, this turned into an extra long rant. My appologies. As for the actual future of my gaming purchases, we'll just have to see...

Musings

I start this post with nothing to say. I decide to start it anyway. With tricks of rhyme and tricks of verse I hope to keep myself immersed in the habit of finger-speak that flows freely (with an occasional tweak).

Mmm, freeform poetry. That didn't waste nearly enough of my day.

Short Analysis

So, I'm not really impressed with Dark Lord. It's pretty good, but the characterization I was hoping for was just...lacking. I wonder if there was just not enough time for this one. I suppose I could pick up Labrinth of Evil to find out, although a non-SW book might be more telling. Maybe I will.

Now I begin The Difference Engine. I'm so behind in my reading schedule. Anyway, I'm going to have to get past the cockney accents that have been prevalent in the first ten or so pages, but I think I'm capable of it. We'll just have to see.

Why not?

[This image removed due to making the site look like ass.]

So there.
Enjoy.

Popular Demand

Again I begin the fight I cannot win.
Allusions obscure, like a lowly lemure.
White is the wight whose soul is full of sin.
My purpose unsure with the thoughts I endure,
And I hold hands with the wind.

So It's been requested that I start this debacle up again. Sure, why not? I've got a long day ahead of me, and I think I might be back on updating by the end of it. We'll see.