Rehash Roundup: Take 3Well, I should probably just make this an "updated once yearly" blog. Methshine Man was apparently very busy last year getting this years crop of low-effort crap put on film. I have 32 movies ready to be put through the RR treatment, so prepare for an especially long rant. I even skipped some of the ones with lesser known source material. I'll be categorizing the offerings this year, based on what they're rehashing, so you can know just what you're looking at. On with the madness.
Are We Done Yet? April 4th | Sequel
Apparently not. I avoided the first one,
Are We There Yet?, because the idea was just bad enough to make it sound like trash. Every preview I've seen for this one only compounds the problem. Couldn't you find 30 seconds of decent acting to put into the trailer?
Spider-Man 3 May 4th | Sequel, Comic
I'll admit to two things for this one: I enjoyed the first movie, probably because Willem Defoe can play a psychopath with disturbing accuracy; I have yet to see the second. It looks like they're falling into the same trap that caught X3 and trying to put too much into one film. My sources seem to indicate that this one was over-stuffed, phoned in, and nonsensical. Honestly, I'm not surprised. This one will make boatloads of cash, though, so it doesn't really matter how bad it is, they will still want to make another.
28 Weeks Later May 11th | Sequel
I liked the first one,
28 Days Later, if I didn't think about it too hard. Goofy plot elements aside, it was a solid enough film. I absolutely do not think that it deserved a sequel. Also, don't be so pretentious as to say you're not making a zombie movie. You're making a movie where people are turning into mindless predators and EATING OTHER PEOPLE, and looking at how the survivors deal with the change. Why don't you just put Romero in the writing credits? And of course, America has to be involved in what is both a bad idea on film, and a bad idea in the plot. Sigh.
The Salon May 11th | Clusterfuck
So, this is a "continuation" of the
Barbershop saga. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I suppose the first two (Barbershop proper, if you will) weren't too bad, if a little predictable and tired. I somehow missed
Beauty Shop, and I think I'll find myself missing this as well.
Shrek the Third May 18th | Sequel
Mike Myers has finally found a decent enough niche. Between Austin Powers and Shrek, he's managed to crank out a few very tolerable movies (I'm not saying that
So I Married An Axe Murderer was intolerable, but I am). The first one was quite entertaining. I have somehow managed to avoid seeing the second one, and I'm actually not very happy about that. I really hope that they find new territory to explore with this installment, but I'm not overly confident. I may end up catching this on DVD after watching 2.
PotC: At World's End May 25th | Sequel, "Attraction"
I'm not sure that this really qualifies as it's own movie, mostly because
Dead Man's Chest certainly wasn't. Even so, it would still qualify as a sequel to
Black Pearl. I am actually looking forward to this, but I can't say that I'll be catching it in theaters. This may be a Vid4 kind of popcorn fluff. Still, if they can get Keira Knightly and Naomie Harris to make out, get naked, or any combo thereof, I'll see it twice opening day.
Ocean's 13 June 8th | Sequel
No. Under no circumstances. Al Pacino is only dragging himself down with this.
Hostel: Part II June 8th | Sequel
I never had the chance to see the first one, but the reviews were enticing. Gore, pain, more gore. I don't see this one being much different. Eli Roth seems to be on a winning streak (he also directed the "Thanksgiving" segment of
Grindhouse), so all we can do is hope he doesn't fall back into
Cabin Fever mode.
FF: Rise of the Silver Surfer June 15th | Sequel, Comic
I never really was a fan of the Fantastic Four. I'm not sure why, either. They just never struck me as the kind of heroes I was about. I purposefully avoided the first one, because, to be honest, I've given Marvel way too much of my money already. I'll be repeating the performance here, mostly as protest for the last pair of Marvel films I went to see (
X3 and
Ghost Rider).
Nancy Drew June 15th | Book
Never having been a Nancy Drew fan, I can't say that I'm terribly excited about this one. I suppose that there are people who will be, assuming they start promoting it any time soon. I get the feeling that the movie will be bland and kind of predictable, but the feeling isn't really based on anything.
Evan Almighty June 22nd | Sequel-esque
The original script for this movie was never meant to be a sequel, it was just re-tooled that way by Universal.
Bruce wasn't bad, but that had a lot to do with Jim Carrey's ability to just let loose. Despite the misleading title, Steve Carell doesn't become god in this one. He's just a modern Noah, with guidance from the soothing voice of Morgan Freeman. I see this as a bungled attempt to swing some extra profit out of the first one, and bombing horribly (as production costs are estimated at $251 million, I don't see this turning a profit).
DOA: Dead or Alive June 22nd | Video Game
The release date of this steaming pile has bounced around so much that it gets a double treatment in the Rehash Roundup. DOA has already been released in 29 other countries, mostly last year. Why the holdup? It's obviously been done for a while. The idea for this movie was pretty much garbage from the get go, and the odd release schedule doesn't assuage any fears I have. Let's face it, this movie was made to be eye candy, not for it's intrinsic value to cinema. Okay, I can't even go that far. It was made to be an hour and a half jiggle-fest.
Live Free or Die Hard June 29th | Sequel
Let's start laying down some ground rules: don't make a sequel to a franchise that has been dead for over a decade. Bruce Willis is really going to have to stop making action movies soon, isn't he? Of course, I also thought that Sly was too old to make another Rocky movie. I suspect I may be right.
Transformers July 6th | TV
I'm going to see this movie. It has been a foregone conclusion from its announcement. As such, I'm going to pull a surprising move and reserve judgment until I see it. Still, I can't say that I'm terribly sure about how they've looked in the previews so far, and some of the things I've heard have been...distressing.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix July 13th | Book
I have established over the last several years that I'm not a big Harry Potter fan. There are, however, a lot of them. If you've enjoyed the movies so far, it's a safe bet that this one will probably be for you. If not, it's a safe bet that it won't.
Hairspray July 20th | Sequel, Musical
Ugh. So, someone had the bright idea to turn the '88 movie into a Broadway musical. Fine, that king of thing happens all the time. Now, however, they're adapting that musical to the screen. Sigh. Also, they've managed to assemble a stunningly weird cast (John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer, Queen Latifah, Christopher Walken, and Jerry Stiller, to name a few). Maybe they'll end up burying all the DVDs in a landfill in Alamogordo?
The Simpsons Movie July 27th | TV
I was actually surprised when creating the list this year at the relatively low number of TV shows being transferred to the big screen this year. I suppose atrocities like
Bewitched and
Miami Vice toned back the enthusiasm this year. The Simpsons, on the other hand, has been rolling towards this inevitability for the better part of the last decade. Let's just hope it's got all the hilarity that made the show the cultural icon it has become.
Underdog August 3rd | TV
Ah, Underdog. How odd you really were. What really worries me about this one is the changes to the basic premise of the old cartoon. This will no longer be a world populated by talking dogs as a matter of course. Now it's just a lab experiment gone wrong, turning an ordinary dog into a superhero. Funny how the "gone wrong" part applies to most of these movies. This will probably end up being another Vid4 special.
The Bourne Ultimatum August 3rd | Sequel
Sigh. Is there such a thing as a single movie anymore? Of course, if the first attempt bombs, they don't tend to turn out another one. But what about a single good movie that made a lot of money? As evidenced by the gigantic rehash crop this year, Hollywood is comfortable not trying anything new. Enter
The Bourne Identity. Now pushing out its second sequel, it seems to be on the crest of the wave, as it were. I don't know a lot about the series, as I only caught most of the first movie and none of the second, but I really hope this is the conclusion.
Daddy Day Camp August 8th | Sequel
This movie is shakier than Methshine Man in the throes of withdrawal. They couldn't convince Eddie Murphy to come back for this one, so they got the next...wait, no, they just got Cuba Gooding, Jr. Not to knock him, but he's a different breed of actor than Eddie Murphy. And yes, he's playing Murphy's character from the first one. To top this off, Fred Savage (yes, that Fred Savage) is directing.
Rush Hour 3 August 10th | Sequel
Rush Hour is even more guilty of surfing the wave than Bourne. Please skip this so they don't make another one. Please?
Stardust August 10th | Book
Hollywood takes another stab at making a Neil Gaiman novel into a good movie. I sincerely hope they succeed this time. I really liked
Mirrormask, but it was very limited and not many people even know what it is.
Stardust looks like it got a lot more attention (Claire Danes, Robert De Niro and Ian McKellen are in it), so I'm hopeful. Time will tell, though.
The Invasion August 17th | Remake
I hesitated to include this, as it's only a sort of remake. But I decided to, as this is a very special case. If you don't know, this is the fourth movie (and fifth item, as there was a TV show too) to do the same basic story. Ah, yes,
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I can't be terribly excited, based on some of the stories circulating about this one. The original cut, directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, left Warner Bros. unsatisfied. So they hired the Wachowski Brothers to shoot a new ending. When they left,
another director, James McTeigue, was brought in to basically rework the entire movie. This kind of dicking around usually ends up putting in the movie's brown-door. It does have Nicole Kidman and James Bond in it, though, so who knows.
Bratz: The Movie August 17th | Dolls
You and I both wish I was kidding. I can only assume that MM somehow ended up having sex with a doll and this was the result. If you really need a kicker for this one, the big name is Paula Abdul. Excuse my while I expel my breakfast forcefully.
Mr. Bean's Holiday August 24th | Sequel?
I don't know that there's much continuity in the Mr. Bean universe, so I'm not sure if this is really a sequel. Rowan Atkinson must have been really bored. I can't see this being anything but standard Mr. Bean fare, so take it for what it's worth.
Resident Evil: Extinction September 21st | Sequel, Video Game
Milla Jovovich fighting zombies. There you go.
Hitman October 12th | Video Game
Well, I'm almost certain that this will be barely like the games, if that much, so I'm not sure how much I can care. Oh well, let's just see how good the dual ballers look (they're guns, jackass!).
Saw IV October 26th | Sequel
Garg. It didn't quite make it down to made for TV status, which disappoints me. This does, however, vindicate me from all of the comments I got last year telling me "it's just a trilogy." They will just keep churning these out as long as they make cash, so probably till 2011.
Beowulf November 16th | Epic
What are the odds that there are chainsaws and trucks in this version? It is going to be animated, but I doubt they'll make him look like Christopher Lambert. Too bad. It's being made in the same style as
The Polar Express, which for me fell right into the uncanny valley. Grendel might look awesome, though. Also, Neil Gaiman is a co-writer for the screenplay. Hrm...
Alvin and the Chipmunks December 14th | TV
I will say that I used to watch a lot of the show, so on that level I'm not terribly opposed to this. On another level, IT'S ALVIN AND THE FUCKING CHIPMUNKS, WHY OH WHY? For all the fangirls, Jason Lee will be playing David Seville. This means that I will almost certainly be dragged to go see it. Maybe they'll sing Woolly Bully again.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets December 21st | Sequel
Nicholas Cage is really falling off. I can't blame him completely for
Ghost Rider, but I can come close. The premise of the first one of these was awfully shaky, and a second one does not bode well for anyone involved.
AVP2 December 28th | Sequel, Comic
At last, we come to the end, and nothing says finished quite like a sequel to a movie based on a comic based on two movie franchises. The battle that humans cannot win (read: that chick kicked the alien queen's ass) comes to a small village this time. Can we win? Can we muster up the effort to care? Signs point to not fucking likely.
And that's it. What a pile of trash. We'll have to wait for MM to come down a little bit before we can get a comment, but I'm certain he has a perfectly reasonable explanation for this years crop of movie cuitlacoche. Until next year, enjoy the same old thing!
